My favorite kind of patient...

Dr. R: "So i see you had some chest pain last night?"

Mr. L, 70 y/o marathon runner: "yea i thought i was maybe having a heart attack, but i'm fine now, i think I just ran too hard."

Dr. R: "It doesn't look like a heart attack, but we have to get one more set of results back, but you can go home later today."

Mr. L: "Today huh?"

Dr. R: "Yup, any more questions for right now?"

Mr. L: "Can I run tonight, I have a track workout planned."


I never get tired of these patients! This guy was pacing the halls in his robe and Saucony running shoes just itching to be cleared, and I loved it! I love it when people are actually involved in controlling their health and staying active. He looked like he was maybe 60 and could def run circles around me. I ended up going back and re-iterating how important it was for his future races that he rest for the next week. But I know how he feels!

Maybe I can be like that one day! Afterall, it was a pack of a few 70 yr old men that got me through my first marathon. They kept me going the whole way with dirty jokes and all! I love old runners :)

"I regret my regrets..."

I just started on internal medicine 2 days ago and already I love it. Doing the medicine and thinking
through/learning the pathophysiology of everything is really cool but it would eventually get boring 
without the occasional patient that brings you back to reality. I def don't know even nearly all there is to
know at this point...but I know enough to get into a dangerous "routine" as some docs call it. It's really
easy in medicine, once you do it for long enough to reflux orders, tests, and treatments...to become
somewhat detached. Sometimes on a rotation that is really fast paced (like this internal medicine one right now) I catch myself getting bogged down with the routine. Most of the time I can realize it and take a 
step back and remind myself that the little things matter just as much to people as the big things.  


We had a patient today who, in short, asked us if we could give her a "shot" so she didn't wake up. She
later told us that she wanted to go home and drink all the beer in her house to just end everything. While I def can't understand what she is going through, I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that she was so sad and hopeless about her condition, but the only thing she wanted to do was the one thing that 
seemed to primarily lead to her current state.  She went back and forth between crying and joking, but it was clear that was how she dealt with knowing she was at the beginning of the downward spiral that is Hep C, cirrhosis, end stage renal disease, lung cancer, and many more health problems. She definitely
snapped me back to reality and made me think about the choices we make.


My most memorable patient so far, a guy in his late 50's, dying from pretty much failure of every system in his body because of drug/alcohol use in his past once told me, "I regret my regrets". You'd think he was miserable, crochity old man who just was better of dead...right?? Wrong, this guy was the happiest,
most peaceful, and one of the most inspiring people I've met. Not because of his past, but 
because of his outlook on the choices he made in life. At first I wasn't really understanding what he 
meant by regretting his regrets. I've always been torn. Am I of perspective that we learn from everything in life, good or bad, so its best not to have regrets...learn the lesson and move on? Or that its ok to regret
things, as long as I regret the right things. But after knowing him
for a short while and having him tell me all the time that life was about choices, the good ones AND the bad ones (and he def made a lot of terrible ones lol), I realized he was the ultimate testament to having no regrets. Riddled with disease, he loved every minute of his life, even at the end. He had choices, he made certain ones that ended a certain way, but he was happy with that. I don't know that I'll ever be able to honestly say that i have no regrets, is that even possible??? But he definitely taught me that life is about
choices, standing by our mistakes, owning up to them, and not letting them bring you down.


So today I was definitely brought back to reality to say the least. It's not everyday that I have a patient 
politely ask to die. Are we making the choices today that we're going to be able to accept
tomorrow?? Maybe we'll never know until we're there. So for now, I'll just try to only regret my 
regrets...

Something I wish I could say to people almost on a daily basis...

I wish this actually turned out this way...

I am crazy in my own way, have soo many quirks about my personality, overthink just about every situation, am incredibly awkward with men, and am almost impossible to handle at times. BUT...that's me :-) If only i could say this all to a guy and have it end like this lol...







"I'm selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."- Marilyn Monroe

kind of cheesy...

So I love this song although its kind of cheesy and corny unlike my usually cynical self. And this video I found with it just makes it super cheesy, but I love it! I have my moment of weakness/girliness from time to time lol

I've decided...

Today was my first day of pediatrics in Surprise, AZ. I wasn't sure how I was going to  like it but after today I've decided I LOVE LOVE LOVE the kids...but I can't stand their high maintenance moms. I have always loved kids, all ages, EVEN the criers. I know I'm not seasoned at all in medicine but I do have days where I absolutely hate adults.  I hate it when all my efforts to try to help are wasted on people that don't listen to you, only do more damage to themselves, and don't even care to get better! Granted, I understand that everyone deserves unconditional help, even at their lowest points.  But some days its incredibly hard to  help people that won't help themselves. So, today when I walked into my first patients room, a 5 yr old well child check, and he ran to me, hugged my leg and told me he loved me, I decided I love the kids.  It happened several times today and I was shocked how much I absolutely love being around them for this reason alone. Without knowing who I was, without ever seeing me before in their lives, they trust. They're so pure, they want to feel better, they don't hate you for trying to help them. That being said...I'm not such a fan of the moms. I just can't seem to grasp how you can actually dial 911 because you're child has a cough and spit up...really?!?! I can understand (to an extent) that motherhood is something amazing and your love for your baby makes you over worry, over react, etc...but does it make you an idiot? (sorry if that was insensitive) But is it really necessary to cry because your child sneezes 2 times in one day? (yes all these things happened today.)  On the other hand, there are the moms that bring their kid in because his eyes look "weird"...and he actually ends up being diagnosed with congenital glaucoma, also happened today.  And then there are the moms that refuse vaccines because they don't want their kids to have autism...I guess your risking measles is a better choice...."i read it on the internet..."   People are very strange and different and I will never understand why people do the things they do. Regardless of the crazy parents, the kids are worth it.

On a cooler note, I got to do a circumcision today! It was pretty cool except for the part where the dad almost passed out. I guess they feel it in a different way than I do lol.

So we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm starting to like the idea of pediatric emergency medicine, that would be pretty sweet.

Vacation is over...back to my crazy normal life!

The 2 weeks I spent at home went by at a good pace this time. Usually I complain at how fast the break went by and that I wish i had more time. Maybe this break was just right because I actually let myself relax and not feel guilty. When I come home I find myself running every single day, making sure I see everyone so they don't get mad, doing something productive with school, etc. I just relaxed, still ran a lot (that i can't stop), and didn't feel guilty for sleeping in past 8am. Also, this break was different because of things that happened.  I ruined my brother's engine in his 3 month old car (it was an unavoidable accident, but still sucks a lot) and had a couple big disappointments with friends/family. I definitely enjoyed the break  and the chance to recharge but it was somewhat emotionally stressful. I learned some pretty good lessons about family and friends when I wasn't busy trying to fix the mess i made with the car, only I can find a way to lock up a BMW engine with water, awesome.

I also got to see some friends from college that I hadn't seen in 4 years. Went to two of my very close friends' wedding yesterday in Pensacola and had a great time. The wedding was awesome. I'm just really still getting used to the fact that most of my friends are married or engaged.  Is it really that time already? I'm going to be that 50 year old lady still swearing that I'm too young to get married haha. I especially love it when I ask my family what their new years resolutions are and they say "for you to meet a nice boy and get married"...nice. Maybe they don't understand the concept of new years resolutions.

It's also scary how fast 2009 went by! It was a good year for me, mostly because I got out of Kirksville and moved to Phoenix and because I'm finally doing what I love...in a hospital! I remember for so long thinking that rotations were way down the road for me. And now knowing that I have to start planning for residency, and finally being a doctor (although i may still feel like i know nothing) is pretty unreal. 2010 is going to be awesome and I really want to take advantage of my last year of "freedom" and travel for my rotations. Hopefully I can land a rotation in Colombia, Hawaii, and possibly NY.

But anyway, normalcy starts again tomorrow bright and early with screaming kids. (Pediatrics rotation starts tomorrow). I really love kids but I don't know how I feel about being their doctor, we'll see. It will either leave me wanting to have kids soon or never wanting kids...either way, it should be interesting.