Weekend...

So, its Sunday and I'm just as tired as I was on fri after work! How did that happen? I did a lot this weekend. Went to the gator bar on saturday with mike, mara, rohan, ali and others to watch the gators kick butt, it was fun, always is. After eating out weight in nachoes, chips, wings, and skillet cookie and ice cream we went back to mara's to work on a med school thing...it turned into this:

Yea...we got distracted with my photobooth program on my mac lol. 

I got a chance to go to the AZ cardinals game this weekend which was pretty fun...my first NFL game!! Tailgating and eating junk food was pretty awesome. I also learned that I'm good at ladder ball! The only bad thing was that it took about 8 hours out of my sunday, which i'm sure could have been used for studying, oh well. 

This next week is my last week in OB! I'm a little sad but I'm looking forward to not being sooo busy all the time and def not driving so far everyday! I'm going broke (more than i already am) driving to Sun City West! Surgery at County hospital is next. I hear its long hours on your feet, which i hate, but cool experience, which i love! I'm not into being a surgeon, but I am looking forward to learning how to be better at tieing sutures. Hopefully it's not a crazy month. 

In other news, I was kind of let down by somebody this weekend. Nothing serious really, but it blows my mind how some people can fool you into thinking they're somebody they're not. You'd think we'd see it coming? I guess it comes with time, and then again maybe it won't. I really do try to give people every benefit of the doubt but sometimes that comes back to bite me. I've definitely stopped being as naive as I used to be, but a part of me I feel like is too trusting sometimes. I guess I'd rather be trusting while still being cautious and get fooled from time to time than be completely cynical towards people. It's tough to find a balance though when you feel like the number of "good people" you know is decreasing all the time.  So i'm still not that cynical people hater that thinks people are jerks, but I'm def very very cautious. 

Here's my song for the night. 

Imogen Heap- First Train home

"...what matters to you, doesn't matter to me..."

I seem to know nothing...

My Ob/Gyn rotation has been pretty awesome so far. I love the mix of surgery and clinic experience along with the continuity of care. But probably my favorite thing is that your patients look forward to seeing you. The tone is very different in OB and for the most part, you bring good news everyday. It's def my second choice, after ER. I still stay true to my ER :-)

So as we go on all of these different rotations and learn so much more everyday...I still feel overwhelmed on the days when I hit the wall. The wall that is the limit of my knowledge that really makes it clear how much more learning I have to do, and how little I still know. As med students we can learn pretty quick and adapt to a new skill after a couple of tries, but today, I couldn't help but feel like "holy crap, will I ever be good at this?!"

I was put in charge of a delivery, with the doc watching over me of course. I had to coach mom through breathing and pushing...luckily she was a G5P4 and it took all of 2 pushes to get the baby out. But the scary part came when the doc told me to think through it and get the baby out on my own.  So there I was trying to count and freak out at the same time. The head crowns and I"m thinking ok no big deal, check for nuchal cord, suction baby, pull down for shoulder, pull up for next shoulder.....of course this one was difficult. The baby had a VERY TIGHT nuchal cord that i couldn't reduce and i looked at the doc and he looked at me like "ok what do you now??" In addition to freak out, i gave him the "holy crap you actually meant i'm really doing this on my own" look back. So when I asked about all of the things i could maybe do to release this cord and got the answer "try it", I got the impression he wanted to see me struggle. So, tight cord, doesn't reduce, i try to just get the baby out. In a quick thought I looked at the doc and asked if i could just cut the cord...but of course, "no don't even think about it!"  Crap.  After a few seconds, that felt like 5 hours, of "thinking" my way through the delivery, baby slides out and was fine. A little quiet at first because of the cord, but overall baby is good and I'm drenched in sweat! The doc tells me I did a good job and says "ok now the hard part"...repairing the secondary laceration...awesome, as if i wasn't already shaky!  

Anyway, after all of that I'm pretty relieved that it went well and actually grateful that doc made me sweat a little. The toughest part of this stage in the game is thinking on our feet, well for me it is.  It's like all my knowledge gets erased, i freak out, and I seem to know nothing anymore...its all gone in an instant, just blank. I might as well be drooling lol. So i really appreciate it when docs make an effort to show us how to think in crazy situations. Even if i'm not going into OB, it's a great skill to be able to step back in your mind and think through a problem with all the information floating around in your head. Woman screaming, monitors beeping, nurses asking questions, doc staring at me, blood everywhere, vagina tearing...it was stressful!! And through all of that, i'm supposed to be calm?? I guess the more you do it, the easier it gets to drown out everything but your thought process. One day I'll be able to do that...hopefully sooner than later. And hopefully that feeling of "holy crap I know nothing", starts fading.  But until then, baby steps, trying not to let a pimp question erase my memory of

everything i've learned!

Thoughts of the night...

Since my last post things have been great! I started ob/gyn, which I have to say, I love! 70.3 is finished!! That was a huuge relief and great accomplishment I'm so happy I achieved.  It was a big goal of mine and I actually surprised myself at how easily (i use that word loosely) I did it! Aside from the physical work that it obviously took, I'm more proud that I did it all on my own. That was one thing I wanted to prove to myself that I could do, train for that race alone and be self-motivated. Many days it was very very difficult to get up and go when i was the only one I had to answer to. It was just a race, but it really showed me that I could be self-motivated enough to do something I never imagined I could do. I figure that no matter who you have on your side rooting for you, at the end of the day, we always answer to ourselves. It's really important for me to know that no matter what I'm doing, where I am, or who I'm with that I can set a goal and reach it all by myself, if necessary. Granted, I had great support from friends and family...but again, in the end, for 6.5 hrs, it was just me and my thoughts on that course.  I like to think this goes for a lot of things in life. No matter how much support you have, the only person you can always rely on is yourself. So, great things came out of that race, definitely more than just a good workout! Since then I'm just learning from that day and figuring out where I go now. 140.6 is a far ways away...or is it?? I'm still trying to figure that out. I do know that I need to stay focused on the big picture right now and all things come in due time. I know that I WILL do 140.6 one day, that I'm sure of. But for now I think I'll just keep at this level of competition, focus on school and wait for when the time feels right for 140.6, no rush.

So another thing this race was for me was that it brought me to a different level, change.  It brought a new outlook on many things and took me out of my comfort zone and set a whole new one for me. I'm ready now to be more open to a lot of things I was really hesitant about. I guess you can say I'm ready to let go of old comforts and really try to reach for things I never really let myself consider. It's not as easy as it sounds, but every step forward, even with a few steps backwards, is progress!

This song puts it well...

Changes coming soon!

So now that I've completed my list (minus 1) of races...i need to start over! I'm a little behind i updating my life status...rotations are keeping me busy!! No worries, its coming. All new races, goals, perspective, etc. So, i won't say much now but new things/blog changes are coming soon! Stay tuned...! :-)