Sometimes I wish...

...that I was perfectly content with being a housewife and that I didn't care about the whole saving lives thing. I say this almost weekly, but really, who am I kidding?? With my domestic skills, I would make the world's most terrible housewife and my family would prob pay be to go back to work. It seems like it would make this life easier some days though. Until I realize cleaning and laundry stresses me out more than a crazy ER full of dying people. Maybe in another life.

...I was more girly. I've NEVER been an actual girly girl, as most of my friends have often told me. I've always been known as the tomboy of my family and I've actually gotten much better, thanks to my cousins :) I own actual high heels and dresses, several actually. This is an improvement from just a few years ago. I'm pretty content with my girlyness, or lack thereof. But sometimes, and by sometimes i mean once in a blue moon, I get the urge to wear dresses and high heels but then I quickly remember the trauma i have experienced from wearing high heels and my high heel PTSD comes back. Oh well, I'll stick with my flats out of respect for my feet, they do a lot for me as it is. :)

...I wasn't so stubborn. (this is not likely ever going to happen) Being stubborn isn't always a bad thing. It is part of the reason I've accomplished most things in my life. But sort of like the housewife thing, being less stubborn and more able to accept things I can't change would again, make this life A LOT easier lol. I guess it comes with the territory of being my mothers daughter. I never give up on anything. I often struggle with understanding that giving up isn't synonymous with walking away. Sometimes we just have to let things be and realize that, in my mom's own words, "cant save the world everyday." Let it be. Maybe a new tattoo idea?? ;)

...I had a longer attention span. My presumptive ADD sort of conflicts with my need to learn things for myself. I genuinely have to look up everything I'm taught, despite where/who I hear things from. Not in a distrusting way at all, I just always feel better reading things for myself straight from the source (i promise i'm not crazy controlling freak). I believe we should trust, but verify. That being said, I really have to work on my attention span. I go to read an article or a chapter to verify what I was just taught for example, and I can't make it through the 3rd page before thinking about what my next meal is going to be,   how far I'm going to run that day, or some other random non-important thought. I need to get a grip on this attention span thing...intern year is not the time to get distracted by every car that drives by lol. I feel like that dog from Up...sqquiirrll!!!!

ok I'm done now. There's many more things I could add to this list. Sadly, that last one is the limiting factor. Off to sleep.

This might actually be my wedding attire, one day, except red instead of purple... :) :)

Source: ninephotography.squarespace.com via Bix on Pinterest

I get to Starbucks before it opens :(

Not to be insensitive at all, but today I kept seeing facebook posts and even hearing people say "never forget".  And shamefully, I'll admit, I had no idea it was Sept 11th until I got home from work! :-/ Fail on my part as an active duty  military officer. In my defense, I didn't actually forget, I just never knew what day it was, seriously. Crazy what waking up before 4am daily,12 days straight without a day off, and extreme fatigue can do to you.  I live not by the actual date, but by how many days my patients have been in the ICU, I've been getting to starbucks before they open lately, and my attending has already told me to eat more for breakfast because my growling stomach during rounds is distracting... it's quite sad. lol

ANyway, MICU has been going well so far otherwise. One thing that I mentioned in my last post that has continued to be a theme of the month is death. Not because my we as a MICU team are bad doctors, but because it seem that this month we have been the terminal cancer service. In the past 2.5 weeks, i think only a 1 or 2 days have gone by where we didn't discharge a patient to heaven. Most were expected, a couple were not, and those were the rough ones, but not the roughest. THe roughest for me to get over are the ones that don't actual die. They stay "alive" but they're not actually living.  I don't dwell or let it really get to me to the point where I can't do my job, but I do have to admit that I am sensitive to this aspect of medicine, always have been. It's a good thing right? I feel like we live in a doctor culture, especially in the military, where we frown upon sensitivity. We are people, not robots no matter how tough we pretend to be. I bet even the big tough surgeons who puff their chests out all day long pretending to be big and bad get a little sad from time to time. lol  That being said about the daily death we have had this month, I have to say that there's a fine line between trying everything you can to preserve somebody's quality of life and keeping their heart beating until family can find the strength to say goodbye. I hope I don't have to ever make that decision for somebody I love. Either way, all I know is med school does a terrible job of introducing us what to do when you get the call "Mr/Mrs. X is just passed, come now, the family is very upset"....yikes!!!

Anyway, that's depressing. In happier news, next month I will have a life again! :) Things I'm planning on doing:

- Step 3 studying...only because I HAVE to
- Celebrating the fact that this crazy schedule that Tim and I have had due to studying for tests is over!
-Thursday night group rides with king william cycling group!
- uncover hidden treasures in san antonio/austin
- find places to hike/rock climb
- have groceries in my apt on a regular basis
- take lots of pictures...of everything
- cook...a lot
- stay awake past 9:30pm

On a side note: Since my mom recently welcomed a beautiful Chinese exchange student named Maggie, I decided that I'm going to visit her, my new sister, in China and I'm making this (climbing in China) happen soon...no matter what it takes!!  ;)

Source: onsight.com.au via Sasha on Pinterest

Welcome to the MICU....

I've been in the MICU for 1 week now and it's been great. By great, I mean that I'm learning a ton and I love the work. THe last 3 days, 3 patients died...rough. I pronounced my first death, did chest compressions twice already, and had to give some pretty tough advice about withdrawing care. Everyone has said that MICU is the busiest rotation and that I'll never have time to workout. So far, i've had the opposite experience. Everyday that I come home from being surrounded by death and dying, i feel compelled to run and exercise. Maybe that's just my way of feeling alive and shaking off the emotional weight of the day, but it's become necessary. (my love handles are also benefiting from this lol). Anyway, MICU is rough but amazing to say the least.

Tomorrow will be 1 yr since Tim and I went on our first date. Crazy. Crazy that he has continued to ask me on dates for a year. Crazy that he has continued to put up with me during this year of unknowns and moving and changing of plans. I'm pretty lucky in my opinion ;)