Do what you love...

So today we got our scores back from the USMLE step 1 (my first set of boards that I took this summer) and I did not do so hot.  I was going to put off checking my score report for a couple of days just because I know my track record for taking standardized tests....IT SUCKS. I'm willing to bet that I'm the worst test-taker you've ever met, seriously, I am.  I've never known myself to do "well" on any standardized test....even after taking it a couple of times. I used to get very discouraged because I felt like I was dumb and didn't know the material...but after making it to medical school, doing fine in the 1st 2 years of medical school, I think i've proved to myself that i'm not a complete idiot. I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDARDIZED TESTS!!! It is reallly ridiculous how I can know the material well enough to explain it to other classmates...but still freeze up during the test, or convince myself to change my choice to the wrong answer. Or my favorite, I have a gut feeling of the answer...but of course I pick the choice that i've never heard of for some reason that I will never understand. You'd think that after knowing how terrible of a test taker I am I'd be able to fix it or at least improve it. I thought so too, but after this test score, I don't know what else I can do. I'm pretty convinced that some people are just great test takers, and some just suck at it (like me)...and that its not a useful tool to measure one's knowledge. I appreciate the purpose of the tests but I still think less emphasis should be placed on them. The good thing is that I'm not sure what I got on my COMLEX, the set of boards that matters the most.  But if these tests follow the pattern that is my life, I'll retake them (making my life more complicated) and do fine and just keep on going, like I always do.  I'm not complaining, but nothing in my life has ever gone as planned really or without hard work. I know everyone says "nothing worth doing is easy"...yea, but seriously, can I not work twice as hard as everyone else for once? please? Can I be like normal students and take tests just one time and do ok....too easy, i love to make my life difficult.

So I was pretty upset earlier today and had a hypertensive episode and near anxiety attack (good thing i was in a docs office) that lasted like 10 mins. But then I got a call from a patient that called specifically for me. I'm thinking, "why do they want to talk to me, the student, and not the doctor...weird." I had seen her earlier in the morning for persistent diarrhea related to celiac dx and lab follow up. She was actually an awesome patient because she took such awesome notes and asked all the right questions, really making us (me and doc) explain everything about her dx that she didn't understand. I really like it when patients hold their doctors accountable and basically make us do our job. Not to mention, she's very well informed about all of her health conditions. Anyway, I spent almost 30 mins (i can do this b/c we see very few pts at our clinic) explaining her labs to her and what everything meant. So she was calling me to thank me and pretty much tell me that she really appreciated me taking time to explain things on her level, not being annoyed with her list of questions, and that I was going to be a great doctor. She also told me she didn't quite like the doc (he couldn't answer some of her questions and found her annoying) because he somewhat blew off her questions. 

So after stupidly looking at my exam score at work and getting upset....her call really put things into perspective for me...I must be doing something right. (hopefully)  I can answer every question a patient has about labs and her 5 different diseases...but I can't do well on my boards, i don't get it.  So I'm over being mad about my exam because despite how tough and frustrating things get, whether its stupid exams, crazy patients, ridiculous hours, inconsiderate people...the awesome patients and gratification that I am actually helping people makes it all worthwhile. I know there will always be something to get frustrated/upset about...but as long as we don't lose sight of why we do things in the first place, we won't go wrong. And today, my sweet patient reminded me of why I take tests over and over until I pass, why I sacrifice so much time for studying and, why I've put so many things on hold while in school....medicine and helping people is what I love.  I'm so grateful that she reminded me of that today, it was exactly what I needed.       

So I'm just waiting on my next set of scores, hoping for the best, but somewhat mentally preparing for the worst. I'm doing better at learning to accept things I can't change and move forward. It's kind of cheesy but it really is true that no matter how hard things seem, doing what you love and loving what you do really is a great philosophy. 

p.s. i can't wait for lance to win the tour!