Recent events...

So thing's lately have been stressful. I know I tend to over react about certain things, but the most recent cause of my stress, politics and beaurocracy,  are not things I take lightly...ESPECIALLY when they directly impact my future.  Long story short, I'm being penalized for mistakes made by another student and being forced to stay in a rotation solely to "keep the preceptor happy" and maintain good rapport with him and my school. I've raised hell as much as I can, within reason, and fought for the principle of the matter. I've been so stressed about it and frustration with the system has given me motivation to keep fighting for what I know is right. Unfortunately, in the world we live in, and the context of this situation, I have to give in. It's incredibly frustrating to know this happens all the time, and it seems like it always happens to me. All because people are afraid of standing up for what is right and it's easier to fly below the radar than make a difference by speaking up.  I had the same issue when I was in the AF. People are more worried about their image and "looking good" than doing the right thing. Unfortunately, as much as I hate to say it, that's the way it goes.  In my situation now, I'm forced to give in.  I'm just a student, I have no real pull one way or another when I'm up against my superiors.  All I can do is cut my losses and realize that sometimes you have to know which battles to fight and which to leave as is (no matter how much it kills me!) I can just remember what it feels like right now and when I do have major pull one day, vow to do what's right, regardless of how unpopular or difficult it is.

Throughout this ordeal I've realized that I need to find a better way to really relax.  I've used running, swimming, and biking in the past. It has for sure helped in the past, but here recently it's not working as well. There are other family issues that I've been dealing with also, in addition to med school stress.  I hate complaining because I know A LOT of people have it much worse and I really am very very lucky. But nonetheless, I have had a lot on my mind and i feel like I haven't felt at ease for a while.  I never really realized how much worrying/anxiety takes out of you physically.  My run's have been slower and my muscles just overall felt weaker.  I wake up every night at 2:30 and 4am for some weird reason. Hell, my mind is so all over the place that last week i forgot to eat and almost passed out at the rock gym! :(

So, I realize that I'm sounding like a whiney baby right now, and that sucks. BUT, i'm happy to say that today was a GOOD day.  My frustrations with the school issue is resolved for the most part and I've mostly accepted the things I can't change and hope things turn out well, they usually do.  I have some peace of mind now that I've decided not to re-take my USMLE (med school boards) again...a cause for a lot of stress considering my test taking abilities.  And I'm starting to feel better now that things at home are calming down again and my family is stable again. As much as I hate the saying "things happen for a reason"...i find myself thinking that a lot.  In the past when thing's have seemed to be going totally wrong in my life, it turns out better than I could've ever planned. And man, I am quite a planner!

So as to end this kind of Debbie Downer post on a high note...here are things that I'm super happy about:

1. I secured a international rotation in Bogota, Colombia at Fundacion Santa Fe de Bogota! Not only is this a sweet hospital, it's the same hospital my cousin's medical school is affiliated with! This was a total coincidence, it just worked out that way :)

2.  My cousin is moving to Arizona in about a month! I'm so excited to live with her and explore AZ and the west coast with her!

3.  Despite the stress, I'm exactly where I want to be right now! It's easy to be lonely and question the future and wonder if I'm ever going to meet somebody who is willing to accept my AF life decision, among many other things. But to be honest, I have so many other things occupying my mind right now that I'd rather not put energy into being lonely.  One thing at a time...


So that's a long post! Next post will be less depressing, i promise.

Song for the night:  Adele- Hometown Glory

"No and thank you please Madam, I aint lost, just wandering..."