Kirksville is one of a kind...

The sign as you drive into Kirksville, MO reads "KIRKSVILLE, Where the people make the difference!" This is definitely a true statement....

My monthly trip to walmart (I try to avoid walmart in kirksville because it pretty much equivalent to a circus) today was one for the books! Just a few highlights of my trip to the store today and why the people really do make the difference:

- saw a Mennonite family purchasing dvd's and a couple video game controllers....this just didn't make much sense to me ...especially when they walk out to the parking lot to drive/ride away in this this:

...I know Mennonites are less conservative than the Amish...but I'm still confused, and often catch myself staring and perplexed, with the ways of the Mennonites...hmmmm

- A quite obese man (who i'm sure I've seen somewhere before, maybe as a simulated patient?) was driving down the isle in his scooter, going pretty fast might I add. Here I am just deciding if I should get ice cream (always a debate that i talk myself out of) and next thing I know this man has run over my foot! It was sort of a slow motion drive by that didn't really hurt too bad, but I certainly could have done without it, remember he's not the thinnest of guys (hence the scooter.) So, ok fine he ran over my foot, i'm thinking he's about to apologize but....nothing. After a couple minutes i think he realized he went over a small "bump" and turned around (by this point he's sort of far away) and shouts to me "wow these things are sturdy, i should take it off roading." Awesome.

- I also had quite possibly the SLOWEST checkout in walmart checkout history. The lady was nice but felt the need to comment on every single one of my items and relate it to her life in some way. It lasted about 25 minutes, literally, and I only have about 15 things. This wasn't so bad until we got to my yogurt and milk...which apparently she can't eat/drink unless its a special kind because dairy products and my brand of yogurt "make her bottm rumble and her family doesn't know how to unclog the toilet." Nice.

Moral of Story: Trips to Walmart in Kirksville, MO are never a boring time.

Angry man made my day...

It rained for most of the day today. And frankly, I was feeling as somber as the weather for some reason, just one of those days I suppose. I went around trying to catch a good picture (when I should have been studying) of the rain but I wasn't satisfied with any that I took. So I found a picture of the rain that I love. This picture was taken in Colombia in the middle of a small flea market. I love it because although its grey and raining very hard, when I look at it, I still want to be sitting on that bench in the middle of the rain just happy as can be!

So today I was feeling as grey as the unsatisfying rain until about 3pm...when I went in to see a "patient" (they're people from the community acting out certain roles.) So my patient today, I quickly learned, was playing the ever so popular "drug seeker." And I have to say, he was a great actor. I walked in the room and the next thing I know I'm being yelled at that i'm not a real doctor and he won't speak to me unless I'm capable of writing him a prescription for darvoset. He was a feisty old man! So I'm thinking "old man with white pony tail, yelling at me, telling me I'm not a real doctor...awesome." Lucky for me, this was not the first time I've had to deal with not-so-happy old men that DO NOT like being told what to do by a young woman (thank you Air Force!) So I procedded to make it clear that yelling would not get him any closer to his darvoset so I suggested that he cooperate and simmer down. (well not in those words, but basically that's how it went down.) I suppose I put on my Lt. Ramirez hat again. So the rest of the interaction went as well as could be expected, he was still somewhat yelling. Anyway, when I came back for my feedback after the encounter he gave me a great compliment and made my rainy day great. He basically told me, "I've never had such a small, cute girl unarm my attitude as quickly and as camly as you just did in there...please don't show wife how to do that....you have doctor written all over you." His feedback was awesome and made me smile. I guess its good, and kind of funny, to know that I'm best at dealing with angry old men.

Now if I can only figure out how not to cry the second I see my patient start crying...

What's behind our windows?

[Picture I took of a beautiful window I found in a resort in Villa de Leyva, Colombia]

After reading a recent post by the lovely Gypsie Girl about "the window to our soul," I really started to think about what you'd see if you looked through the window to my soul at this very moment...

I wish the window to my soul looked like the above picture. It makes you just want to look at it for a while, its so unique, colorful, and just looks very inviting! Unfortunately, I don't feel like the window to my soul looks anything like this, well not right now it doesn't. If you were to attempt to look through my window right now, you'd first have to navigate past the barbed wire fence, steel bars, double locks and reinforced metal screen that protects it. And that's just so you can come close to opening it. That sounds just awful right? Who on earth would even want to go near that? I'd like to try and convince myself that my window is happy and inviting, but I think its important to be true, if not to anybody, at least to ourselves. So, that leaves me to see that man my window sucks right now, its actually pretty dang ugly if you ask me. But i suppose the first step to improving our windows is to take the time to notice how ugly they really are. Ok so my window is gross, now what? Thanks to Gypsie, I'm able to now think about all that you'd see if you were successful in the feat of conquering my window and still brave enough to look inside. Here are some of the things you'd see:
- turmoil that comes and goes...with myself and the environment I'm in right now
- passion...that I try to put into everything I do, right or wrong
- excitement...for big things to come and a new perspective on life
- fear...of the future and that i won't reach the goals I set for myself
- confidence...that I can live my dreams as long as I have faith in myself and others (I guess it is possible to be afraid and confident at the same time?)
- anger...towards certain people... that I often let emotions override a gut feeling and lose focus on what really matters in life
- frustration...with myself for not taking the time to appreciate the simple things that make all the difference...that I can't seem to wake up in the morning and just smile at all the positives in my life without thinking about the negatives
- motivation...to finally get out and start crossing things off of my list...to gett off my butt and make things happen...to at last start living the life I'm always planning for
- worry...that I'm not doing everything I can to help the people that really need me (i.e. family and friends)
and lastly.........
-LOVE...for myself, family, friends...for the falls i've taken (and the many more to come I'm sure)...for the several times i've gotten back up...for life in general- the crazy rides it takes us on, and how it has a funny way (even a sense of humor at times!) of showing us that things will always work out in the end

So that's my window and a lot of the things you'd see if you looked through it. Is it exactly what I want you to see? Maybe, maybe not. I would love to have only great things behind my window, just smiles, and inspiration. But I know that's not real life. If it weren't for all the ugly things, how can we really appreciate beauty? I'm working on a lot of the not so beautiful things (this includes my window itself, that needs some work), but acknowledging the work that needs to be done I think is a step in the right direction, and that's just fine with me.

Runner with ADD= Triathlete?

I forced myself into the pool today despite the objections of my exhausted body. It made for a shameful swim but a great motivator. I sometimes trick myself into doing a workout that I really know is going to suck just because I know myself, and I know that the more frustrated I am with my performance, the harder I will work. So overall, my trick worked! I have a little over 8 months to get back into triathlon shape, and I'm totally up for it. If now is not the time, I don't know when will be. The bottom line seems to be that my life is always crazy and busy and all over the place. There will never be a lull in life where suddenly I realize, "yup, clock says its about that time in my life to train for 70.3 triathlon." I just understand now, more than ever, that I have to make the best of my time to work on my dreams and cross them off my list (which i promise will be coming soon!) If I can do that while staying focused on what really matters in life, I'd call that success.

So although the marathon is the next thing on the list, I feel myself thinking more about triathlons lately. Maybe its because I finally realized that 2009 is my year for 70.3, among many other things! I love running, it was my actually my first love. (does that mean I'm cheating on running? never!) But as I'm going through marathon training I've realized that I might have running ADD, I self-diagnose a lot. Don't get me wrong, I can run forever, and I love it, its a huge part of who I am. But I'm thinking i want to spread, or maybe share that love with my bike and with swimming again. And also, my feet and knees don't love the 20 mile runs as much as the soul does. Is it freakish of me to say that triathlons are easier for me than marathons? Maybe. So, not only do I want to be fair and share the love, I owe it to my loyal knees to focus more on things that they enjoy more...the triathlon.

So this year is big for me...and I'm happy to know that the best is yet to come!

Can't go back now...

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

--The Weepies, Can't Go Back

The beat certainly goes on...whether we like it or not.

*Cheers to never going anywhere without...an open heart...hot shoes...my camera...and of course, a smile*

70.3?

Full class tonight at spin. Wednesday's are my favorite day of the week. I love spin class and look forward to it all week but making it to the middle of the week, or the half-way point of anything is always a good feeling. It makes the back half go quicker for me. If its in a race, knowing i've gone half way, i just think "well i've already come this far, all that's left is a distance i've already come"....and in some weird way, that motivates me. That might not really make sense other than in my own mind, but that's true of most things :-P But after spin and wednesday is over, i consider the week to be in closing.

On a totally different note, i've been thinking more and more about 70.3. It seems like a long shot maybe since its already February and the race is in October, but I really think I can do it. The swim is really the only part that I'll really need to work on starting soon. My baseline with the bike and run are defintely higher than my baseline swim. I know its a big goal but i've never been in a better place physically to start training for it. If not now, then when? I'll use it to balance my life and keep my busy! (like i'm not busy enough :-)

Gotta love and forgive, or you can't breath...

Girls, Nizlopi

*Mountain Sunset*

I took this pictures a couple years ago during a time when I felt very alone living in New Mexico. The beauty of the sunset against the mountains and white sand that I captured in this picture always made me feel inspired that the best was yet to come. Stumbling on it tonight brought back the same inspirational smile. I had forgotten how much I love the mountains. I am so excited to move back to the southwest and see mountains that this picture made the great day I was having even better!

Today was one long smile, i haven't had one of those days in a while. I've finally decided to update my race schedule for the year and it made me so excited. (I'll be posting it soon.) There are so many great races in Arizona. Knowing that there isn't a better place to take my love for the swim bike run to the next level is a great feeling. I've always been excited to move there, but today I truly felt that I'm headed in the right direction to accomplish all the things on my list. (which i'll be posting soon also) I'm looking forward to great weather, fulfilling experiences, clinical learning, genuine friends, and the best thing, starting fresh and seeing where I end up. It's times like these when I get ahead of myself and try to do everything! I can't help it sometimes, I get ants in my pants and take on hundred other tasks plus the thousand I'm already working on. It's ok though, I think we all need to push the limits. But I also know that it's all about balance. I've always had to work on the balance part. It's on my list...make time to sit still and be lazy. Crazy that I have to actively work on this huh? Oh well, one day I'll figure it out. But for now I'm dreaming of mountains, sunsets, mornings, and of course racing!

I've never been a good test taker...

Sometimes I wonder about people. Living in a very small town has definitely changed my perspective on people, I'm still trying to decide if this is a good thing, almost like taking a test. My experiences here have been amazing, terrible, and everything else in between. But now that I'm ready to see Kirksville from my rear view mirror (that is if i even look back), I'm worried that one of the biggest lesson's i've learned here was obtained at the expense of a great quality. Recently I really learned that no matter what, at the end of the day, we all need to take care of ourselves...even if this means being selfish and numb at times. Inherent in this lesson I think is the ability to remain somewhat detached from some people, not all, but most. I used to think I was able to tell the real friends from the imposters and the genuine people from those that enjoy relationships for convenience. I'm not so sure I trust myself in this arena anymore. Is it a test? So what more can we do but remain detached? This saddens me because one of my favorite qualities about myself has been the ability to really have true faith in people. I find myself at a crossroads here, how can i have faith that people are genuine and give everyone a chance when somewhere in the back of my mind the thought of "Be careful, do not be fooled by imposters" is constantly playing. I'm very enthusiastic in my personality and enjoy putting my whole heart into people, friendships, and relationships, no matter what. But recently I find myself detaching. Am I detaching myself from the unconditional optimism I have in people or from the people themselves? Not sure, and either way, is it a good thing? I suppose detaching from people or unwavering optimism is a way to always keep our own goals, feelings, and heart in the line of sight, perhaps protect them from the storm of things in life that can threaten to shatter them. But then again, never taking on the storm of life and being able to pick up the pieces and experiencing the events that define us is not something I'm really willing to miss out on. I've come this far, taken on the daily storm with an open mind and strong will. It's knocked me down plenty of times, but am I ready to stay down, stay safe, and always protected and detached? Not likely. Although, detaching seems to be the obvious answer right now. Everyday I pledge to avoid the obvious and easy answer in this test, that's never the right one anyway, no matter how much we want to choose it.

Thinking about change...

Thinking about change and reading this beautiful poem about it brightened my day right from the start.

Refreshed...

Ironically, although it was valentine's day weekend, this weekend was the best weekend i've had in a long time. I laid low on friday night and just hung out with my music, pharmacology, and of course my camera.

I got a 10 mile in on Saturday morning which was a decent run. It snowed a but the night before and the route was out of town where they don't plow the roads, so there was still snow and ice on the road. I didn't think it would be that bad but I ended up falling pretty bad one time, I have the bruises to prove it! I bet it would've been pretty funny to watch. Tweaked my knee a little bit but it wasn't too bad. We had a running buddy, he ran with us about 8 of the 10 miles until he had to be carried so he wouldn't get hit by traffic. He was so cute and friendly, and not to mention a great runner. We ended up taking him to the humane society so he was safe and his owners could pick him up hopefully.
Overall I'm ok with my performance, it felt good to run that distance without worrying about my knee. I've got to start cranking up the miles and prep for a longer run next weekend though. I'm excited. I just hope it doesn't snow too much this week.

The rest of the weekend was very relaxing, no medicine was studied. Slumdog Millionaire was an amazing movie. It reminded me of how I've always wanted to travel to India on a medical mission. I would love to go just to visit but anytime I picture myself visiting a place with such poverty I almost feel wrong going and not doing something to really help the people. I would love to go and see the beauty of it and take pictures and learn the culture. But one day I hope i can do something for the children in need. Third world medicine has always been a dream of mine. It makes everything I'm learning so much more worthwhile. The things we take for granted in this country make worlds of different to kids in third world countries. There is nothing more humbling than knowing that I can save the life of a child by doing a simple physical exam or teaching them how to wash their hands.

I know I can't "save the world" like my mom always tells me, but If I could at least change the lives of a few, that would be good enough for me. Maybe instead of trying to save the world all the time, I'll just focus on helping changing it.

Kirksville Character...

-Where I study-
-courthouse in the town square-
-Theater-
-School water tower-
- my backyard-


I am realizing how pretty Kirksville can be. There are things about the town that aren't so great, but everyday I see something new and beautiful that I've never noticed before. I guess it takes a change of perspective to really see something, even though it was always there.

Dreams...

Happy are those who dream and are ready to pay the price to make them come true...

Great Run!

My first run back tonight after a short hiatus was great! The new shoes are awesome and my knee did great. It was only a quick 6 around town but I really felt stronger than I thought. Since I hadn't been running as much, I noticed my mood was a bit gloomy and down. And that short run tonight put a lot of things in perspective and refilled my cup, nothing else does that for me but running. Crazy how much running can change my mood. I plan to keep running for as many miles as my legs will give me, I'm convinced its the best therapy for the soul.

On a photography note, I really need to get around town and take pictures of all the scenes i see on my runs around town. I can't even count how many times I've been on a really long run, way out of town and see something that I want to capture and put on my wall at home. Before I move, I really plan on going through all my routes and finding the best shots of Kirksville. It really is a beautiful town.

Starting off right with my new running shoes...

I feel refreshed and ready to run again now that i have new shoes. It's funny how something as simple as new shoes motivates me. My knee has really been giving me issues but hopefully with the new shoes, the glucosamine, and a little smarter training I won't have anymore setbacks. Teaching spin weekly has also helped the knee a lot I'm noticing. Maybe more mentally than anything, it charges me up that I forget my knee hurts hehe.

Being at an osteopathic school is also really nice, I can have somebody look at my legs and work out all the "runner squeaks" that I build up over the miles, its great. Much much better than getting a steroid shot in the knee in my opnion. It's supposed to snow for the next week or so, which is bumming me out. I don't mind running in the cold anymore, but running on snow and ice doesn't not work well for my knee. But no complaining, I'll push through and do work just like with everything else!

On a future note....i've decided my next thing is SOMA Half-Ironman in Tempe, AZ in November...I'm doing it, no excuses! Time to get back to it!

Waiting for these clouds to go away...

If the elephants have past lives yet all destined to always remember

It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger 
but keep one eye open at night

A personal day...

After weeks of tests, I took today for myself. Weather was beautiful and I was finally able to relax, even if just for today. The park is always nice to get away from town. It makes me forget that I'm in Kirksville, its so peaceful.

Although I'm really relaxed today my marathon training has come to a stand still. Not entirely sure what my injury is exactly, but its either severe pes anserine bursitis or tiny medial meniscus tear. Either way, its giving me trouble. It's very mentally discouraging to be held back by an injury. I've been lucky enough so far to be injury free in everything I've done. I'm still determined to get 26.2. I guess this is the mental part of the training starting. Listening to your body when its telling you something while still staying focused on the finish line. I will say that nothing is more frustrating than having an injury holding you back from your full potential. I suppose it builds character...

St. Louis Marathon-I'll be in this crowd in 2 months!!

Stuck in the middle of a big step...

3 months left in Kirksville before moving to Phoenix and I feel somewhat stuck in the middle. I have enjoyed Kirksville but am ready for a change and to take the next step towards being a doctor. I will miss many of my friends and the world of of studying, class, and the routine i've found here, i've finally found my comfort zone here. But at the same time, i've always been told that once you reach your comfort zone, its time to move on, learn more, and keep challenging yourself. I have moved around before and been out of my comfort zone, it brings an element of excitement. I'm ready for that again. I suppose I want a new backdrop for my life at this point.

Starting out...

I'm still trying to figure out what blogging is all about.....